The Good Shepherd

Roman Catholic Parish in Telford, Shropshire incorporating St. Mary's, Madeley and St. Paul's, Dawley

Also serving the communities of Broseley and Stirchley

Shepherd Picture
 
While we are unable to congregate we will publish new and updated information for you on our Announcements Page
 
We will publish contributions of reflections, poems, music, videos etc. on our new Reflections Page and Lighthearted Page
 

 

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Contributed by Paul Walker

 

The Carnival is over

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Contributed by "No, it's not Judith Durham"

Some Funnies

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Contributed by Paul Walker

 

And so it continues in St. Mary's Grounds

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Deep thoughts

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

Apparently RSVP-ing “Maybe next time” to a wedding invitation isn’t the correct response.

Aliens probably ride by earth and lock their doors.

You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did. “

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”?

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I thought getting old would take longer.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.

Me: Sobbing my heart out, “ I can’t see you anymore... I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.

Contributed by Paul Walker

     

A Quiz

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 's.'

Click here for the answers

Contributed by Paul Walker

 

How well do you know your Bible?

Children in a Catholic school were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk marking the papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients .

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada. Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

Contributed by Paul Walker

Penguin Story

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Contributed by Paul Walker

 

 

 
The (not so) Humble Banana

You'll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fibre. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anaemia : High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of haemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anaemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham school were helped through their exams by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

 

Constipation: High in fibre, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.  The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin.  Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work: Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs.  The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness.  It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases.  It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

 

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers.  In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood Enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking & Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking.  The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance.  When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels.  These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out.  Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. 

Compare to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.

It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe it's time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, 'A banana a day keeps the doctor away!'

Want a quick shine on our shoes??  Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth.

Amazing fruit !!

Contributed by Paul Walker
 

MASS TIMES
Saturday Vigil
St. Mary's, Madeley - 5pm

Sunday
St. Paul's, Dawley - 9am
St. Mary's, Madeley - 11am

CONFESSIONS
See Parish Newsletter

WEEKDAY MASSES and OTHER SERVICES
See Parish Newsletter

FIND US

CONTACT US
Telephone: 01952 586118
e-mail: pp@goodshepherd.org.uk

St. Paul's
Burton St. and Doseley Rd.
Dawley
Shropshire. TF4 3AH
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St. Mary's
70 High St.
Madeley
Shropshire. TF7 5AH
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Copyright © Good Shepherd, Telford
Page last updated: 10 July, 2020